As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
