You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My life is pants optional.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
