mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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