Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
