wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
