I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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