I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
