i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
