Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
