sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize