That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
