gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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