All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
