She's like a pop up book from hell.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
is it fun? or sober?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
