OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
