just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.