a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
