and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.