Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
