Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
