I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
