Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
