thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
