Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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