well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My bed smells like the plague
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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