shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
