I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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