so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
ttyl tear gas
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
