I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
