Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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