toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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