Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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