3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
