2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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