If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
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