This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
