We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
