Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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