i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
