This is not my ceiling
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
