i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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