She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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