I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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