the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
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They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
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And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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