Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
