WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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