now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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