Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
