I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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