Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
