if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
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I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
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Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
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