Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
