I think I won the penis lottery.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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