I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
