My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
