last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
